Health Warning: This is a good-natured satirical critique of legal procurement professionals. If you are thin skinned, don't read it (so now of course you will). No offence is intended, none should be taken! That said, there are some legitimate messages here.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. Heed the wisdom of the ages; that it is better to remain silent and be merely thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

Never lose sight of our destiny as Law Firms, which is to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness, for we are truly our brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

As far as possible be honest with us. We know well your 'stalking horses', arbitrary and capricious deadlines and disingenuous requests for AFAs. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others; some of you may be dull and ignorant; but that is no excuse for economy of truth.

Avoid bullying and aggression, it is vexatious to the spirit and cannot consummate lasting relationships. If you compare your income to that of the Law Firm partners with whom you covenant, you will become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater persons than each of us.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans but keep them in perspective; they are modest. Rejoice in your career, although it may be humble; for although you have much to be humble about, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Insidious remuneration structures will be your undoing. Law Firms are not the deliverers of your bonus, no matter how vociferously you may deny any correlation with the discounts you exact.

Beware the lowest price; there is hardly anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price only are this man's lawful prey.

Preoccupation with lowest rates will deliver you unto the charlatan. Spurious rates ensure that the incompetent are encouraged to be prolix and dilatory and the efficient and truly skilled are inadequately rewarded.

Exercise integrity in your dealings with Law Firms; you have a reputation for trickery. So let this not blind you to what virtue exists in Law Firms; their partners strive for high ideals; like them, you are either part of the solution or part of the problem.

Be pleasant but do not feign affection. You often speak with forked tongue but Law Firms can spot a wolf in sheep's clothing from afar. In the midst of the aridity and disenchantment that is your chosen career, sincerity and integrity are the first casualties.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering your career cares and disillusionment.

Seek enlightenment on the difference between the idiosyncratic nature of legal services and bulk stationary supplies; those who truly know their procurement craft concede they are not the same. A cynic, you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Nurture your relationships with Law Firms. It is foolish and myopic to do otherwise and ultimately serves your masters poorly.

Contemplation and quiet reflection will reveal inadequate training and a tenuous grasp of your role. You have the potential to contribute so much yet often deliver so little. Invest in professional development; it will as it always does, serve you well.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here - apparently. But whether or not it is clear to you, the legal profession has been unfolding satisfactorily without you since the dawn of time.

With all their sham, drudgery and broken dreams, Law Firms are a beautiful thing. Although you may not be part of it, take comfort; vicarious enjoyment has much to commend it.

Therefore be at peace with Law Firms, whatever you conceive them to be; they are the second oldest profession and like cockroaches after a nuclear winter, they will survive and prosper, with or without you.

Enjoy your moment of power; it is ephemeral for as sure as night follows day, at the appointed hour, they will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempted to poison and destroy them and you will know you transgressed when they lay their vengeance upon thee.